Banking & Money Humor
From Tom Antion & Associates

Make money pulling practical jokes

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Bonus humor lesson: Switching

Here is a load of banking and financial humor. Much of this humor is negative towards banks. If you want to use this humor when speaking to bankers you will have to "switch" the humor so you won't offend. Here's an example:

Original joke:
The banks have a new image. Now you have "a friend.". . . your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
--Alan King

Speech usage:
Sometime we have image problems don't we? The old joke says, "If the banks are so friendly,. . . how come they chain down the pens?" . . .What are you doing about your image?

This technique allows you to use negative humor without offending. This is also a simple example of making a point with humor. Point/humor/point.

If you are a banker, you can use the humor freely because you will be making fun of yourself.

I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need. .. . If I die tomorrow.
--Henny Youngman

My girlfriend's father died of throat trouble. . . . They hung him. He used to work in a bank. But no matter how much the boss likes you, if you work in a bank you can't bring home samples.
--Eddie Cantor

Children are stupid. That's why they're in school. I'd lecture for an hour about percentages and interest rates and at the end I'd ask one simple question, "You put ten grand in a bank for one year at 5  percent and what do you get?" Some kid would always yell out, "A toaster."

One rule which woe betides the banker who fails to heed it . . . Never lend any money to anybody unless they don't need it.
--Ogden Nash

Regard your voice as capital in the bank. . . . Sing on your interest and your voice will last.
--Lauritz Melchior

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
--Johnny Carson

If you'd lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money.
--Ben Franklin

He's got a wonderful head for money. There's this long slit on the top.
--David Frost

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
--Kin Hubbard

Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody.
--Agatha Christie

Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
--Josh Billings

If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.
--Benjamin Franklin

To borrow money, big money, you have to wear your hair in a certain way, walk in a certain way, and have about you an air of solemnity and majesty--something like the atmosphere of a Gothic cathedral.
--Stephen Leacock

Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
--Robert Frost

The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some.
--Louis Rukeyser

The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.
--Katharine Whitehorn

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
--Spike Milligan

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
--Bill Vaughan

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
--George Bernard Shaw

It's no trick to make a lot of money, if all you want to do is make a lot of money.
--Everett Sloane (in Citizen Kane, screenplay by Herman Mankiewicz and Orson Welles)

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew five thousand dollars at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once.
--Ronnie Shakes

Banking is so competitive it's now possible to borrow money to put in a savings account.

Banker: Pawnbroker with a manicure

We all need a good banker: As someone said, "He's a self made man--with a big assist from a bank loan officer."

What this country needs is a bank where you deposit a toaster and they give you $250.00.

A banker is a guy who charges you high interest to borrow someone else's money.

Banks are really pushing savings accounts. A bandit robbed a bank of $2000.00 the other day and the teller tried to talk him into opening into an IRA.

I went golfing with my banker, but never again. Every time I yelled FORE he yelled CLOSURE.

The bank clerk reminded the customer that he forgot to dot the "I" in his signature. The customer said, "Can't you do that for me?" The teller replied, "Sorry sir. It must be in the same handwriting."

"Beaten to the draw" That's what the bank teller told the husband that his wife had just done to his account.

The banker asked, "What is your name sir?" The customer growled, "Didn't you see my signature?" The banker replied politely, "Yes sir I did. That is what aroused my curiosity."

A man called the First National Bank asking for some information about bonds. Conversion or redemption? asked the bank clerk. There was a pause. "Pardon me," said the man, "Do I have the First National Bank or the First Presbyterian Church?

The bank sent out an overdraft statement and got back a note of apology and a check.

I bank at a women's bank. It's closed three or four days a month due to cramps.
--Judy Carter

Banks will loan you money if you can prove you don't need it
Mark Twain

"I hear the bank is looking for a cashier."
"Thought they just hired one a week ago?"
"That's the one they're looking for."

Lots of banks are failing. I haven't been worried until recently I went in to ask about a loan and they said, "Great! How much can you loan us."

Three stages of bank failure:
1. Concern--that's when they put a limit on withdrawals.
2. Panic--that's when they put a moratorium on withdrawals
3. Desperation--that's when they call you up and ask for their toaster back.

Bankers are just like anybody else, except richer
Ogden Nash

Bank accounts give a person a good feeling until they realize that banks are insured by an agency of a federal government that's over $2 trillion in debt.

Banks have a very interesting philosophy. You give them your money to keep--and if you try to borrow it back, they want to know if you're good for it!

My bank is getting a little sneaky. They gave ballpoint pens to all their depositors. Now they're printing the withdrawal slips on wax paper.

Last week I got a $5000 home improvement loan from my bank. I'm sending the kids to college.

I never knew why banks called them "personal loans." I missed three payments and boy did they get personal.

Even my bank doesn't have confidence in me. I have three things printed on my checks. My name, address and insufficient funds.

Be careful of those calendars banks give you to help you keep track of your payments. I saw one with 16 months on it.

Everything is relative. To a bank prurient interest is 21%.

A robber shoved a note under a bank teller's window which said, "I've got you covered. Hand over all the money in the cage and don't say a word." The teller opened the cash drawer and wrote something down. Then he closed the drawer and returned the note to the robber. On the back he had written, "Kindly go to the next window; I'm on my lunch hour."

A man went in to a bank on his hands and knees begging for a loan so he could feed his family. The banker OK'd the loan and said, "I suggest you go right out and buy some food." The man said, "Don't tell me what to do with my money!"

"I hear you're really going after the guy who robbed the bank yesterday." "You bet. If he wanted to steal, why didn't he work his way up in the bank like I did!"

You're solvent if you don't have to smooth down your hair and straighten your tie when you go into the bank for a loan.

Some banks charge incredibly high interest rates. You can tell those because the TV camera that takes pictures of the robbers is aimed at the loan officer.

Banks are very much concerned with the best interest of the town. And they get it!

I tried to open an account in the bank yesterday, but they turned me down.
I wanted to open a charge account!

A bank is a dignified institution that was established for people to have a place to keep the
government's money until tax time.

The first drive-in bank was established so that people could show their cars who really owned them.

You can tell when you're in trouble--the bank sends somebody to repossess your toaster.

They now have a microwave bank--it's for those who want to go through their money faster.

A computer manufacturer called his bank and informed the loan officer that he needed an extension on his loan. The loan officer said, "We need it today. We can't wait till next Monday."
The manufacturer asked, "Were you ever in the computer business?"
"You will be next Monday."

Why are there bank robbers? Bank ads make it seem like it's easier to just walk in and get a loan.

I must have a dishonest face. The bank asks me for ID when I deposit money.

I was a cashier in a bank for a while, but then I went on to something else.
What was that. . . . Jail

A young college grad applied for a job with a bank. The personnel officer asked, "What kind of job do you want?" "I'll take vice-president for a start."
"We already have twelve vice-presidents."
"That's OK. I'm not superstitious."

He was an infielder in a bank. He used to catch a check on the first bounce.

If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?

I like to take out bank loans. That way I know somebody is going to write to me.

Banking is just like our government. --a system of checks and balances. If you want to cash a check, you have to have a balance.

A woman came up with a great idea for her husband, telling him, "Why don't we borrow a little money every month and set that aside?"

A guy walked into a bank and said, "I want to open a joint account with somebody who has money."

I just went partners with my bank. They own half my car.

A bank employee took fifty thousand dollars from the vaults, stole a car and ran away with his best friend's wife. The town had a tough time trying to find someone who could teach his Sunday-school class.

A man went to a bank for a loan, saying he wanted it only until he could get a credit card.

A young man became interested in, and then married a young lady because he'd heard that her father owned a bank and his health was failing. Then the young man learned the father was healthy. It was the bank that was failing.

A bank finally came up with instant credit. You just add money.

A bank called a man and ask him to return the money he'd borrowed. The man said I can't. I haven't finished with it yet.

If George Washington was such an honest man, why do they close the banks on his birthday?

He's a retired banker. A judge retired him.

One bank opened a branch near a cemetery. In the window the president put a sign that read, "You can't take it with you when you go, but here's a chance to be near it."

When I moved into this small town, everybody greeted me, "Hello, Pardner." Wherever I went, it was "Hello, pardner." Then I went into the bank to cash a check, and it was "Howdy, stranger."

Broke, a bank closed its doors to shut out a rush of its depositors. One man stood in front of the large glass doors and yelled for all to hear, "They ought to throw the bank president in jail. They ought to take the whole board of trustees and hang them from the nearest tree. Every person who works in the bank should be tarred and feathered and run out of town!" A policeman asks, "Is your money in that bank?" The man says, "If I had money in that bank, would I be taking it this lightly?"

I prefer automated tellers to real ones. They usually have more personality.

It's unfortunate that the person who writes the banks advertising doesn't also approve the loans.

Banks lend billions to Third World countries, but for us they chain down the pens.

Many smaller banks have gone through reorganization after discovering that they had more vice presidents than depositors.

A South American dictator on his deathbed asked for six American bankers to be his pallbearers. He figured that since they'd carried him this long they might as well finish the job.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain and Robert Frost

The expression "credit where credit is due" must have been started before there was computer billing.

Ad for a bank: Don't borrow from your friends--borrow from us. You'll lose your friends. You'll never lose us.

A senior loan officer was standing by the desk of a junior loan officer when the telephone rang.
The junior officer answered, saying, "," and hung up. The senior officer questioned him immediately. What had he said "yes" to?
"Don't worry, " said the junior officer reassuringly. "I said yes only when he asked me if I was still listening."

A bank robber opened the safe with his toes just so he could drive the fingerprint experts crazy.

Where are you going to get you check cashed? I don't know-I can't think of a single place where I'm unknown.

My wife had an accident at the bank. She got in the wrong line and made a deposit.

I can't be overdrawn. I still have five checks left.

A foreign check came to the bank for clearance. On the back it said. "Having a wonderful time--wish you would cover.

Man on the phone to a bank teller: This is a stick-up send me 50 thousand dollars.

Bank robber went up to teller and said "Stick em down." The teller said, "Don't you mean Stick em Up?" The bank robber said, "No wonder I'm not making any money."

Father: A banker provided by nature